Some things works out in odd ways. My mother in law told us about the holiday "before anyone else can tell you." (to which I said to Mr. Jenner, "I am the CIA. I always know.") And I have learned my youngest brother in law is uncomfortable around me because I am close friends with his ex wife. (to which I said, "he is the one who divorced her. I didn't.") I have always been polite to him but I know he is terrified of me because I know his bullshit. I could break it all wide apart by telling the honest truth about his nonsense. So... my in laws are giving us money towards our next family holiday. Am I being paid to not go on holiday with my in laws? Maybe.
Am I some kind of witch? possibly.
Work stuff isn't hot in some respects right now. Didn't get one bid, still waiting on another. Whatchyagonna do? Thankfully I have one long-term project I am going to pour myself into.
This week has been incredibly hard. A lot of emotions and thoughts have come out. I hope it is for the better. The big thing is this slow shift where the constant loop in my head that says, "You are fucking garbage. No one wants to know the dark shit that is your entire soul. You are worthless. Why bother. Just make yourself small. You know you wish you were dead" is somehow getting a little bit quieter. It isn't silent but I am feeling a slight light. I am trying to manifest some good things. I am reminding myself "You are pretty great. In fact people should really appreciate your kindness and presence." (not that I am turning into some sort of despot or anything. But you know... I should spend the time on people who genuinely adore the socks off of me.)
My therapist wanted to help me shrink that terrified lizard brain and help me become more compassionate towards myself and also find a bit of ambition. Well fucking A, doing the work... is working. I am a complete and utter basketcase... still. I have SO MUCH fucking trauma to deal with and manage and face and so on but I feel some bits of hope. I keep saying, "I am not broken but I am not okay right now." and sometimes I also say, "You are doing alright. You deserve this bit of good fortune." and as she tells me, "You have more control now. You aren't the terrified little girl who has to cope. You get to decide your path. You have always been so resilient." (that part always makes me tear up when she tells me that.)
I am attempting to make my own path. And I am also beginning to understand that terrified little girl.